good question! I don't really know but I think experience is at least part of the answer. another idea that comes to mind is stress: the more chronically stressed we are, the more we tend to act against our most wise / compassionate values
I also feel like it's tough to feel appreciated when it feels like you're putting in a lot of appreciation, and I feel like you do a lot of that -- at least from what I've seen on your ig stories. Friendship is about both maintenance as well as managing expectations, so I try to "time" my expectations by not having them for the most part -- which is different from enforcing boundaries. One of my girlfriends and I text a lot, and if one takes a long time to respond even tho we were rapidly responding to each other just recently, then they apologize for it like "sorry I was out and about" to reassure the other without needing to be asked. I also don't have expectations about my birthday because they might be busy when I'm expecting a call or happy birthday, but once that comes then it feels so special.
Thanks for writing this piece Kasra! Really resonated with these situations. When I was going through similar situations tho, sometimes I wonder if my friend has really “deprioritized” me, or if they are just loving me in their own way--which might not be how I expected them to do so. Like a friend of mine has so many friends and it can sometimes feel like I don’t get enough time with her to a point that I feel like she probably doesn’t care about me anymore. But then there are times when we did hang out or on special occasions where she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves and appreciates me, and I would then think, “um, maybe she does care.”
So I guess it kinda ties back to what you said with compassion, to understand the world that the other person lives in, and to not reflect on the relationship based only on your world view. And when you do feel the need, it’s ok to reach out and have an honest and kind conversation to build trust in the relationship, even if the relationship doesn’t last for as long as we’d hoped.
thanks Cyrus! fantastic point, I've definitely had that experience too. it took me a while to realize some friends really do care even if they're not seeing you / talking to you that often. love your point about the card, that's really touching :)
Thanks for writing this! But I have a question - when friends de-prioritize you, don’t you feel hurt, and when you feel hurt, how do you still love them or show them love?
I find it so difficult to do that. When friends don’t prioritize me or reach out much esp if they post all their new friends on social media, i feel so neglected and unwanted and betrayed in a way. How do you deal with that? Thank you!
meditation helps me a lot here. when I referred to the exercise of “directing compassion at things”, I had loving-kindness meditation in mind (also called metta). in that practice, the goal is to cultivate feelings of compassion, and the instructions are usually to: (1) start with people who are easy to love, and then over time, (2) focus your attention on people who are harder to love (for any number of reasons). in other words, the easily lovable people are “warm up” for building compassion for everyone. at some point there are instructions to turn that loving attention towards yourself, which is also very important.
now, while that’s helpful in the long run, there’s still the basic fact that being rejected or betrayed sucks in the moment, especially if it’s done repeatedly. at some point it might make sense to step back from the friendship or relationship if you don’t feel valued by it. but, I actually think of this kind of boundary-setting as yet another act of compassion, both for yourself and even on some level for the other person. for me, the ideal is to be able to walk away from a friendship that’s not serving me, while still being able to maintain a basic sense of empathy for the other person, as much as I feel hurt. (again, this is very hard, and it’s something I often fall short of; but it’s something worth aspiring to.)
and the background context can make this easier or harder. if you have at least a few loving relationships (or a positive relationship with yourself), it’s easier to have compassion for people who snub you. conversely if you’re in a place where close friendships are lacking (I’ve been there), this is harder. but again, you start somewhere. in metta practice, it sometimes helps to start with _very_ lovable beings, like a cute dog you saw on the street. once you're able to cultivate a bit of compassion, a bit of joy in the wellbeing of others, you're one step closer to feeling more love for both yourself and everyone you meet.
What a wonderful piece. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I related to the last couple paragraphs. It's quite painful to accept rejection from others, especially from those that we love.
I chuckled at the part about feeling de-prioritized by your friends. I, too often, find myself calculating where I sit on my friends and acquaintances "friend list". Am I their #1 best friend? Or am I friend #2 ? Then I start paying attention to all the small things to try to figure out where I sit. They didn't reach out to me as much as I do for them. Who did they hang out with instead? How tiring! It's not easy, but I realized it's better for me to view all relationships as horizontal, instead of vertical.
I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself. And loving others isn't as simple as caring for them or giving up your time, energy. The task of being able to bear your friend's emotional burdens requires you to process the difficult emotions that come up for you. Once you take care of yourself, your capacity for others grow and you can see the world with an unclouded eye.
I love ideas that generate more. Thanks for writing this Kasra.
“I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself.” important & well said!!
really appreciated & resonated with piece! I think enlarging our hearts enough to accommodate for the inevitable asymmetry and transience of relationships is the only way we could love with sincerity. but like all wisdom, it is much easier said than done
This content is so important and this piece is so well written! Thank you for writing and sharing this Kasra!
My favourite bits:
1. The trouble with wisdom is that it's easy to forget.
2. Not in order to change how they look at you, but to change how you look at yourself.
hmm can i ask you a question? do you think wisdom is easy to forget bc some1 hasnt had enough experiences with it yet?
good question! I don't really know but I think experience is at least part of the answer. another idea that comes to mind is stress: the more chronically stressed we are, the more we tend to act against our most wise / compassionate values
i got it! thank u so much Kasra
thank you Ria! and appreciate you sharing the bits that stood out :)
I also feel like it's tough to feel appreciated when it feels like you're putting in a lot of appreciation, and I feel like you do a lot of that -- at least from what I've seen on your ig stories. Friendship is about both maintenance as well as managing expectations, so I try to "time" my expectations by not having them for the most part -- which is different from enforcing boundaries. One of my girlfriends and I text a lot, and if one takes a long time to respond even tho we were rapidly responding to each other just recently, then they apologize for it like "sorry I was out and about" to reassure the other without needing to be asked. I also don't have expectations about my birthday because they might be busy when I'm expecting a call or happy birthday, but once that comes then it feels so special.
Thanks for writing this piece Kasra! Really resonated with these situations. When I was going through similar situations tho, sometimes I wonder if my friend has really “deprioritized” me, or if they are just loving me in their own way--which might not be how I expected them to do so. Like a friend of mine has so many friends and it can sometimes feel like I don’t get enough time with her to a point that I feel like she probably doesn’t care about me anymore. But then there are times when we did hang out or on special occasions where she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves and appreciates me, and I would then think, “um, maybe she does care.”
So I guess it kinda ties back to what you said with compassion, to understand the world that the other person lives in, and to not reflect on the relationship based only on your world view. And when you do feel the need, it’s ok to reach out and have an honest and kind conversation to build trust in the relationship, even if the relationship doesn’t last for as long as we’d hoped.
thanks Cyrus! fantastic point, I've definitely had that experience too. it took me a while to realize some friends really do care even if they're not seeing you / talking to you that often. love your point about the card, that's really touching :)
I felt a few tears well up reading this. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I recently saw that said: “where are we going if not to love?”
<3 thank you Jiaxin!
Thanks for writing this! But I have a question - when friends de-prioritize you, don’t you feel hurt, and when you feel hurt, how do you still love them or show them love?
I find it so difficult to do that. When friends don’t prioritize me or reach out much esp if they post all their new friends on social media, i feel so neglected and unwanted and betrayed in a way. How do you deal with that? Thank you!
totally get you – I feel hurt too in those cases.
meditation helps me a lot here. when I referred to the exercise of “directing compassion at things”, I had loving-kindness meditation in mind (also called metta). in that practice, the goal is to cultivate feelings of compassion, and the instructions are usually to: (1) start with people who are easy to love, and then over time, (2) focus your attention on people who are harder to love (for any number of reasons). in other words, the easily lovable people are “warm up” for building compassion for everyone. at some point there are instructions to turn that loving attention towards yourself, which is also very important.
now, while that’s helpful in the long run, there’s still the basic fact that being rejected or betrayed sucks in the moment, especially if it’s done repeatedly. at some point it might make sense to step back from the friendship or relationship if you don’t feel valued by it. but, I actually think of this kind of boundary-setting as yet another act of compassion, both for yourself and even on some level for the other person. for me, the ideal is to be able to walk away from a friendship that’s not serving me, while still being able to maintain a basic sense of empathy for the other person, as much as I feel hurt. (again, this is very hard, and it’s something I often fall short of; but it’s something worth aspiring to.)
and the background context can make this easier or harder. if you have at least a few loving relationships (or a positive relationship with yourself), it’s easier to have compassion for people who snub you. conversely if you’re in a place where close friendships are lacking (I’ve been there), this is harder. but again, you start somewhere. in metta practice, it sometimes helps to start with _very_ lovable beings, like a cute dog you saw on the street. once you're able to cultivate a bit of compassion, a bit of joy in the wellbeing of others, you're one step closer to feeling more love for both yourself and everyone you meet.
thank you for this, i will definitely try!
What a wonderful piece. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I related to the last couple paragraphs. It's quite painful to accept rejection from others, especially from those that we love.
I chuckled at the part about feeling de-prioritized by your friends. I, too often, find myself calculating where I sit on my friends and acquaintances "friend list". Am I their #1 best friend? Or am I friend #2 ? Then I start paying attention to all the small things to try to figure out where I sit. They didn't reach out to me as much as I do for them. Who did they hang out with instead? How tiring! It's not easy, but I realized it's better for me to view all relationships as horizontal, instead of vertical.
I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself. And loving others isn't as simple as caring for them or giving up your time, energy. The task of being able to bear your friend's emotional burdens requires you to process the difficult emotions that come up for you. Once you take care of yourself, your capacity for others grow and you can see the world with an unclouded eye.
I love ideas that generate more. Thanks for writing this Kasra.
haha, hard relate
“I want to add that making your heart bigger isn't just caring for others and recognizing everyone's inherent worth, but also learning to love yourself.” important & well said!!
thanks for reading :)
Beautiful cover art @Kasra!
I can't believe twitter recommended this at the right time. Going through a similar situation. Hard relate and great words to live by;
really appreciated & resonated with piece! I think enlarging our hearts enough to accommodate for the inevitable asymmetry and transience of relationships is the only way we could love with sincerity. but like all wisdom, it is much easier said than done
this is really beautiful and gives me so much perspective on how to deal with decaying friendships and being tender. thanks for writing this!
Ahh that last paragraph is gorgeous!
beautiful!