Kasra, I really resonate with what you shared here. In my early to middle 20s, I found myself ready to make those kinds of commitments to friends, and did not find that kind of commitment in response, even when I thought I had. Sadly, I think unmet hopes/expectations ended up souring my feelings about some of those friendships.
I have found less disappointment in focusing on creating a life I love, and I feel a little cynical scab that’s formed over the part of me that hoped for these kinds of friendships. I don’t like the scab, but I think it’s been wise to be a little more careful about giving my heart away. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two, but I’m still holding both.
beautiful piece, Kasra – love your take on how you're practically thinking about extending the life of your long-term close friendships.
I've found rituals to be a meaningful glue to friendships as everyone starts to partner up – always having "something on the calendar" to look forward to. also, have experienced clearly mirroring my intention for a friendship & what I expect from it to be received really well in conversations that are hard to initiate, but make meaningful strides in reducing misalignment in friendship expectations
This is so important ! Especially because, in most cases, friendships see you through romantic relationships. Platonic relationships endure and often outlive romantic ones, partly because we expect and require less from them but also because they are there to support you when things in your romantic relationship start to crack. It works the other way I suppose, confiding in your romantic partner when you’ve had an argument or a disagreement with a friend is all too common. But I think there really is something to be said about the durability of friendships over time, and this should be honoured with grand gestures that we reserve for romance. Buy your mates flowers, go on a dinner date, get a cat together. Why the fuck not ? They deserve it.
Hi Kasra, I have many friends and maintain many relationships for the long term. The key part you identified is the regularity, and showing up. As times change you find ways to be there for people, making the effort maintains the friendship. There isn't anything more to it than that; at times the effort becomes the friendship, and then later you'll deepen things again. The important thing is to remember you always have the agency to choose who you want to be friends with for the long term, it's all up to you and your effort level. I could go on an on about this but it's better done over a call, so DM me if you want to explore it further. It's worth it, I promise!
I don't quite understand the question. What matters is if my views and feelings have changed about that person and the type of friendship I have with them. The change in me is not independent of those relationships. Maybe an example might help me understand?
Okay, I like that view- ie I’ve known a couple of college friends who we’ve bonded over parties or spontaneity. I don’t seek those experiences as much and dont get the same fun.
However, we both strongly value the fact that we want to help celebrate each other’s wins even if we are on such different walks of life.
If you enjoyed their company for certain activities and took a big change in direction, how would you both redefine the things you’d bond over if you can’t provide someone the advice they need or guidance and enjoy different things?
Love this! I had a talk with my old close friend and she said when people have partners they have less need for deep friendships which made me angry and sad. I'm glad my friend found her "person" but why put one person on a pedestal and neglect your other friendships? What happens if you break up, who else do you have to rely on?
I do wish our society placed more emphasis on friendships and being willing to make larger commitments with them.
Life stage seems to have a big impact on friendships. I've found in my thirties that a lot of friendships are "see you now and then" rather than on a regular basis. Your directness about friendships and what you want sounds like a great idea, AND I wonder if people are so casual about friendships these days that it might be offputting? What have been your experiences with being more direct about your wants and needs in your friendships?
Very relatable topic. Many in my early twenties many friends would go away for college, move, or settle with their own nuclear families. It is hard to keep those friendships because of the constant changes.
i resonate with your piece so much. been thinking and reevaluating my long-term friendships for the past couple of years. it’s aching to feel distant with those who used to be so close. reading this piece makes me sad and gives me ease at the same time—if that makes sense.
Kasra, I really resonate with what you shared here. In my early to middle 20s, I found myself ready to make those kinds of commitments to friends, and did not find that kind of commitment in response, even when I thought I had. Sadly, I think unmet hopes/expectations ended up souring my feelings about some of those friendships.
I have found less disappointment in focusing on creating a life I love, and I feel a little cynical scab that’s formed over the part of me that hoped for these kinds of friendships. I don’t like the scab, but I think it’s been wise to be a little more careful about giving my heart away. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two, but I’m still holding both.
thank you sallie 🫶 I can totally understand that. focusing on the life you can create seems like the right move
beautiful piece, Kasra – love your take on how you're practically thinking about extending the life of your long-term close friendships.
I've found rituals to be a meaningful glue to friendships as everyone starts to partner up – always having "something on the calendar" to look forward to. also, have experienced clearly mirroring my intention for a friendship & what I expect from it to be received really well in conversations that are hard to initiate, but make meaningful strides in reducing misalignment in friendship expectations
thanks cissy! rituals are huge; and glad to hear about the conversations with friends, I'm really excited to initiate them more
This is so important ! Especially because, in most cases, friendships see you through romantic relationships. Platonic relationships endure and often outlive romantic ones, partly because we expect and require less from them but also because they are there to support you when things in your romantic relationship start to crack. It works the other way I suppose, confiding in your romantic partner when you’ve had an argument or a disagreement with a friend is all too common. But I think there really is something to be said about the durability of friendships over time, and this should be honoured with grand gestures that we reserve for romance. Buy your mates flowers, go on a dinner date, get a cat together. Why the fuck not ? They deserve it.
Hi Kasra, I have many friends and maintain many relationships for the long term. The key part you identified is the regularity, and showing up. As times change you find ways to be there for people, making the effort maintains the friendship. There isn't anything more to it than that; at times the effort becomes the friendship, and then later you'll deepen things again. The important thing is to remember you always have the agency to choose who you want to be friends with for the long term, it's all up to you and your effort level. I could go on an on about this but it's better done over a call, so DM me if you want to explore it further. It's worth it, I promise!
That’s true Hamish I like this perspective. How do you navigate wanting to maintain friendships even if you feel you’ve changed?
I don't quite understand the question. What matters is if my views and feelings have changed about that person and the type of friendship I have with them. The change in me is not independent of those relationships. Maybe an example might help me understand?
Okay, I like that view- ie I’ve known a couple of college friends who we’ve bonded over parties or spontaneity. I don’t seek those experiences as much and dont get the same fun.
However, we both strongly value the fact that we want to help celebrate each other’s wins even if we are on such different walks of life.
If you enjoyed their company for certain activities and took a big change in direction, how would you both redefine the things you’d bond over if you can’t provide someone the advice they need or guidance and enjoy different things?
this is soooo relatable, thank you for writing this 🥹🫶🏽
Love this! I had a talk with my old close friend and she said when people have partners they have less need for deep friendships which made me angry and sad. I'm glad my friend found her "person" but why put one person on a pedestal and neglect your other friendships? What happens if you break up, who else do you have to rely on?
I do wish our society placed more emphasis on friendships and being willing to make larger commitments with them.
same :'(
Great
This resonates as I'm in a similar situation as you: extended family on a different continent, close family in Toronto, moving to NYC, etc.
Honestly this is another motivation for me to run the OTWC where I can see my writing friends each week.
But for my close friends that don't share the same interests, it takes more intentional effort sometimes. That part I'm still trying to figure out.
you're doing the people's work 🫶
this is wonderful
thanks shrav :)
love u buddy
back at u 10x
Life stage seems to have a big impact on friendships. I've found in my thirties that a lot of friendships are "see you now and then" rather than on a regular basis. Your directness about friendships and what you want sounds like a great idea, AND I wonder if people are so casual about friendships these days that it might be offputting? What have been your experiences with being more direct about your wants and needs in your friendships?
Very relatable topic. Many in my early twenties many friends would go away for college, move, or settle with their own nuclear families. It is hard to keep those friendships because of the constant changes.
i resonate with your piece so much. been thinking and reevaluating my long-term friendships for the past couple of years. it’s aching to feel distant with those who used to be so close. reading this piece makes me sad and gives me ease at the same time—if that makes sense.
Thank you Kasra for this :)